Doreen Sam, her friend The Djinn, Servant
of the Lamp Rabid Fans Moon Creatures
Scene:
A rummage sale.
A large table stands
just right of center, covered in doodads, crafts, clothing, toys, and the
detritus of someone’s life.
Two kids enter, DOREEN
and SAM. Both are dressed in “thrift store chic.” Sam carries
a large goody bag.
Doreen sifts through
the stuff on the table unceremoniously.
Doreen: Gawd. This
stuff is all crap.
Sam: But you love rummage
sales.
Doreen: Yeah, but where’s
the treasure? This is just other people’s junk. There’s never
any treasure anymore.
Sam: Yeah, all the good
stuff’s been taken.
Doreen: It’s like you have
to get up at five a.m. before all the antique dealers get-- (Spying
a copper pot underneath a pile) Ooohh... what’s this?
Sam: It looks old.
Doreen: Yeah, ancient.
Sam: Like from the seventies
or something.
Doreen: I thought it was
an old planter, but it kind of looks like a teapot.
Sam: It’s kind of strange
for a teapot.
Doreen: Who’s the treasure
hunting expert here? Look, it’s a teapot. I wonder how much
she wants for it.
Sam: Gosh, it’s awfully
dirty.
Doreen: (Commandingly)
Treasure cleaning kit. (Sam pulls out a small pouch from the goody
bag and hands it to Doreen. Doreen pulls out a chamois polishing
cloth from it. She begins to polish the object.) I bet
I can get it for a dollar. Let’s just see what it looks like under
some of this dust....
As Doreen polishes the object,
fog swirls around the stage and the lights change to green and purple hues.
Both Sam and the table disappear slowly into the fog and offstage.
In their place a small person
appears, dressed in little else than green and purple vest, pantaloons,
and slippers. The creature moves oddly, slowly and fluidly, as if
made of liquid and having difficulty getting its limbs to remain stationary.
Djinn: Greetings and felicitations,
O Great Mistress.
Doreen: What the ???
Who are ??? Where am ?????
Djinn: You have the great
fortune of releasing, for a time, the Servant of the Lamp, O My Mistress.
Doreen: Lamp? Ha ha
ha ha ha! Oh, I get it! Great joke, Sam! Sam? Come
on out now, Sam....
Djinn:The Wishes thou now
hast
Number in three
Ask what thou wilt
To set me free
Doreen: Where’d all this
smoke come from?
Djinn: All that you see
comes from my existence between the different worlds.
Doreen: Okay, this is totally
crazy. You are so goofin’.
Djinn: A Servant of the
Lamp endeavors only to serve, not “goof,” O Mistress.
Doreen: Okay, let me see
if I get this... This...this thing is a lamp.
Djinn: And old and precious
doorway between all that there is and all that there could be.
Doreen: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
And you’re the genie of the lamp....
Djinn: Your powers of observation
are beyond par with those of the most learned scholars of old, Great Mistress.
Doreen: You were saying
something about wishes.
Djinn: For payment,
this servant
Which you have set free
Will grant thee wishes
The number of three
Doreen: No way.
Djinn: Way, O Great Mistress.
Doreen: I don’t believe
you. You can’t prove it.
Djinn: Look around you!
Where do you think__??can it be that you actually doubt my powers to distort
time and space to my very bidding?? I am a DJINN, spirit of the Fifth
House of Amethyst and Jade! Your life is but a spark to my roaring
flame! You have barely begun to learn to walk upright and yet??(calming
down) of course the Great Mistress requires proof. It is proof
she shall have. (Waving arms in a strange fluid motion) ABUL
KELAH!
Partitions open up behind
the pair to reveal a large rear-projection screen. Slides appear
upon the screen to evidence the vast powers under the Djinn’s control.
The first slide shows an underwater scene, replete with whales and exotic
fishes.
Doreen: It’s, like, a TV.
Djinn: It is a window into
the worlds I can offer you, O Mistress. Behold! All the creatures
under the oceans could be yours to command, should you so desire.
Doreen: I don’t want to
talk to fish.
The next few slides appear,
showing the expanse of the galaxy, moving from planet to planet.
Djinn: Great Mistress, you
could traverse the Universe, exploring the wonders of all the known worlds...
Doreen: Uh-hunh.... Okay,
what else have you got?
The next slides display
a fortune in jewels and gold.
Djinn: The standard first
wish is for riches beyond imagining.
Doreen: I like that!
Djinn: I thought you would.
Doreen: Would I get a big
house??like a mansion?
Djinn: Of course.
Doreen: And be driven around
in a huge limousine?
Djinn: Naturally.
Doreen: Oh, I’d love to
be rich...but not just rich. I want to be famous, too, and have people
recognize and adore me wherever I go??just like a movie star!
Djinn: Do you so rich it?
I mean, wish it?
Doreen: I do!!
Djinn: As you have wished
it, it shall be so! ABUL KELAH!
Once again, waving arms
strangely, causing the set to change into Rodeo Drive in L.A. Doreen
pulls off her sweatshirt to reveal a fashionable top, and pulls off her
jeans to reveal a trendy skirt. Sunglasses suddenly adorn her head.
Doreen: Wow! Look
at all this! No more rummage sales for me! Where are we?
Djinn: Beverly Hills.
Doreen: Wait till everyone
back home sees this! Let’s go shopping!
A Rabid Fan walks up.
Fan: Omigawd?? You-- you...
do you know who you are?!?
Doreen: Well, yeah, I??
Fan: Doreen Markham!
You’re Doreen Markham!!!
Doreen: Markham? But
my name is --
Djinn: Lefkowitz wasn’t
getting you anywhere so you changed your name to Markham.
Fan: I love you!!!
Can I have your autograph?
Doreen: Sure. Anything
for a fan! I don’t know if I have a pen...
Fan: (Calling off stage)
Hey, everyone! It’s Doreen Markham!!! Over here!
Several Rabid Fans rush
the stage, surrounding Doreen. They take pictures of her, flashing
the light in her face, and scream at her. They begin to pull at her
clothing, which comes off in Velcroed® strips.
Fans: We love you, Doreen!
I’m your biggest fan! No, I am!!! This is so exciting! I need
a souvenir of meeting you!
The Fans begin to beat
her down to the ground.
Doreen: Hey??What are you??
OW! That’s my hair! OW! Stop that! Get off me!
Genie! Genie!!!! OW!!!
The Djinn steps up and waves
her arms. All the Fans freeze in place.
Djinn: DAMU
TABOULAH!
The Fans slowly spread out
and fade from stage, revealing a Doreen in tattered clothing which resembles
rags. Her hair is atrocious.
Fans: Wow, I can’t believe
I got to meet Doreen Markham. She wasn’t as nice in person as I thought
she would be. Look, I got some of her hair!
Doreen: Look... look at
me. The clothes aren’t even good enough for a rummage sale now!
Djinn: You can buy more,
now that you are rich and famous.
Doreen: I hate being famous!
If this is what it’s like, I hate it! I hate it!!!
Djinn: (Helping her to
her feet) Oh, you haven’t given it a chance.
Doreen: (rubbing her
leg) Ow... I think one of them bit me.
Djinn: Another wish perhaps,
O Mistress?
Doreen: People just suck!
How could they do that to someone? I need to get away from everyone.
I wish I could live on the Moon or something.
Djinn: As you have wished
it, it shall be so. ABUL KELAH!!
Once again, fog rises
on stage, as Doreen is transformed into a space alien, with blue tentacled
headdress and a blue alien outfit.
The background slide
changes to that of the Moon’s surface.
Doreen: Now wait a minute!
I... (She begins to bounce around on the Moon’s surface.)
Hey, this is kinda cool. It’s really peaceful here.
Djinn: (Putting on suntan
lotion) Many people in the Solar System find the Moon to be the
ideal vacation spot.
Doreen: How come I can breathe
and talk up here?
Djinn: You have adapted
to your environment.
Doreen inspects her body.
Doreen: Eewwwwwww!
AAAAHHH! What have you done to me! I have?? tentacles growing
out of my head!!!!
Djinn: They create the portable
atmosphere that allows you to breathe and speak. And, if I may say
so, they are rather fetching on you, O My Mistress.
Doreen: Blue. You’ve
made me... blue.
Djinn: It is the natural
colour of the Moon creatures, Great Mistress.
Doreen: (Pointing through
the house) They’re not blue.
Three Moon Creatures,
in similar costume to Doreen’s but in vibrant red, enter through the house,
jibbering and gesturing excitedly. The Leader waves a ray gun.
Djinn: Well, nobody’s perfect.
Moon Creatures: Jib!
Jib! Bleetak krig! Jib!
Doreen: Greetings.
Uh, we mean you no harm. Uh...take me to your... leader?
The other Moon Creatures
grab Doreen by each arm and begin a game of slow-motion tug of war with
her.
Doreen: Genie, you screw-up!
This wish isn’t any better than the first one. In fact, it’s worse!
Do something!
Djinn: DAMU
TABOULAH!
The three Moon Creatures
“float” away.
Doreen: How long have you
been at this wish-and-genie game, anyway?
Djinn: Ten thousand seasons
have passed since first I became the Servant who travels through the portal
of the Lamp, O Great Mistress.
Doreen: Well, you aren’t
very good at it.
Djinn: Perhaps you would
like to take some time to reflect before making your next wish....
Doreen: I mean, you have
all these powers, right? You can go anwhere, do anything. How
hard could it be to grant three little wishes?
Djinn: Well, there are of
course all the quantum calculations... folding time and space...
Doreen: (Not listening)
I bet even I could do a better job! And, I’d be able to do anything
I want.
Djinn: (Not listening)
...then of course one must keep up with the current crazes and trends....
Doreen: No one would hassle
me.
Djinn: You sort of have
to be a psychologist and personal shopper, all rolled into one.
Doreen: All right.
I wish it.
Djinn: Wish what?
Doreen: I wish to trade
places with you. I want all your powers, and you can have my dull,
boring life.
Djinn: Really? You
mean it? That is, take my hand, O Great Mistress! (They
touch palm-to-palm) As you have wished it, it shall be done!
ABUL
KELAH!!
They spin around as the
blue and green fog swirl up. Doreen’s headdress and alien skin are
replaced with a vest and pantaloons. The Djinn dons Doreen’s old
sweatshirt and jeans. The fog begins to recede as the rummage sale
table returns to right of center.
Doreen: Rad!
Djinn: These vestments are
funky cool and comfy. No more shivering in that skimpy outfit for
me!
Doreen: I think I’ll go
to Hawai’i first, for a vacation.
Djinn: You have to work
some before you deserve a vacation.
Doreen: Abul Kelah! (Nothing
happens.) I’m still here. I feel... stuck.
Djinn: You are now a Servant
of the Lamp. You’re only free to employ your powers in the service
of one who frees you from the prison between the worlds.
Doreen: Prison! You
never told me that! You tricked me!
Djinn: People who don’t
listen often trick themselves.
Doreen: I feel like I’m
being sucked inside that lamp!
Djinn: The spacial rift
is opening and you are being called back home.
Doreen: Help! Stop
this! Change me back!
Djinn: Sorry. Can’t.
Like, soooo not a Djinn anymore. See ya.
Doreen swirls offstage with
the rest of the blue and green mist.
Sam walks up to the table.
Sam: Oh, Doreen! There
you are. I’ve been looking?? Hey, you’re not Doreen.
Djinn: No, I’m not.
Sam: Hi, I’m Sam.
I was looking for my friend. She has a sweatshirt just like that.
Djinn: I’m... I’m Jen.
Yeah, she traded me something for it, and then she... took off.
Sam: Just like her.
Djinn: (Rummaging through
the goods on the table with reverence) Many treasures can one
find here...
Sam: Oh, I love rummage
sales, don’t you?
Djinn: I’ve never really...
shopped at one. I wonder why people throw all their things away like
this?
Sam: They just get rid of
stuff they have no use for, I guess. But a lot of this stuff is really
cool. Like treasure. Doreen found this weird teapot ??
Djinn: You know, I’m starving.
I feel like I haven’t eaten in a thousand years.
Sam: Me, too. Do you
like Bongo Burger? It’s just a few blocks from here, and today’s
free fries day!
Djinn: Sometimes “free”
can be pretty costly. I wonder if I have any money. (Checking
pockets) Hey, I do!
Sam: (Grabbing the Djinn’s
arm and pulling her offstage) And they use real barbecue sauce on their
hamburgers. They’re sooooo good. You’ll love ‘em!
matt@mightygargoyle.com
