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by MJ Gallagher
© 2004


Sketch: "Pie"

Characters
Bird:
 Sees the world the way maybe it ought to be seen.
Sydney, "The Brain":
 Hands down, the smartest kid in school.

INT. LUNCH ROOM FRIENDSHIP ELEMENTARY

SYDNEY AND BIRD SIT AT A TABLE EATING LUNCH.

SYDNEY HELPS BIRD WITH MATH HOMEWORK.

BIRD
I’ll never get these fractions. They’re too hard.
SYDNEY
Sure you will.  I’ll make ‘em easy for you.  Okay, let’s say you have a pie.
BIRD
Pie!  I love pie!  Gosh, I hope Mom put pie in my lunch today....

BIRD STARTS RIFLING THROUGH A LUNCH BAG TO SEE IF THERE IS SOME PIE IN THERE.

SYDNEY
Not that kind of a pie.  A pretend pie.
BIRD
It sure is a pretend pie.  There’snothing in here but an egg salad sandwich and some fig newtons.  Willit work with fig newtons?
SYDNEY
No, we don’t need fig newtons. We are using a pie.
BIRD
But I already told you, I don’t have any pie!
SYDNEY
Not real pie.  An imaginary pie!
BIRD
Mmmm... an imaginary pie... strawberry rhubarb is my favorite kind of imaginary pie.
SYDNEY
It doesn’t matter what kind of pie it is.
BIRD
Maybe not to you.  But strawberry rhubarb is the best kind of imaginary pie there is.
SYDNEY
Fine.  It can be a strawberry rhubarb pie.
BIRD
Of course, if it were real, then I’d want it to be apple.  That’s my favorite.
SYDNEY
You just said that strawberry rhubarb was you’re favorite.
BIRD
That’s my favorite imaginary pie. My favorite real pie is apple!  With French vanilla ice cream on top...
SYDNEY
Okay, okay.  It’s an apple pie.
BIRD
You have an apple pie?  I thoughtwe didn’t have any pie!
SYDNEY
Let’s make it a neutral pie, okay? Let’s say it’s a Boston crème pie.
BIRD
I don’t think I’ve ever had a Boston crème pie before.
SYDNEY
They’re really good.
BIRD
As good as imaginary strawberry rhubarb or as good as real apple with French vanilla ice cream on top?
SYDNEY
I’ve never had an imaginary strawberry rhubarb pie.
BIRD
You are so missing out.
SYDNEY
Look... all this talk about pies ismaking me really hungry and lunchtime is almost over.
BIRD
That’s the best thing about imaginary strawberry rhubarb pie.  You can sneak it into class and the teacher never knows.
SYDNEY
We still have to go over these fractions!
BIRD
We can’t.
SYDNEY
Why not?!?
BIRD
Because I ate all the imaginary Boston crème pie already.  And we have no real pie.  You were right.  It was good.  Not as good as imaginary strawberry rhubarbpie, though.
SYDNEY
Maybe we can make it work with your fig newtons.
BIRD
Can’t.
SYDNEY
Why not?!?
BIRD
I ate those, too.

SFX: THE SCHOOL BELL RINGS.

END.

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