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ACT TWO
FADE IN:
4. INT. BANQUET ROOM, EARLY EVENING.
OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, FLURRIES OF SNOW
BATTLE
ONE ANOTHER.
MORTIMER AND JUSTIN ENTER FROM THE
KITCHEN.
BOTH CARRY A STACK OF PLATES, WHICH MORTIMER DEFTLY WIELDS. JUSTIN
NEARLY
BUCKLES UNDER THE WEIGHT AND UNWIELDINESS OF THE PLATES AS THE SNAKE TO
AND FROM. JUST BEFORE HE LOSES THE STACK COMPLETELY, MORTIMER SETS HIS
OWN STACK DOWN AND CATCHES JUSTIN’S.
ENTER IVY.
SHE MOVES ABOUT THE ROOM MAKING SURE
THAT
EVERYTHING IS IN ITS PLACE. SHE SPIES THE FLOWER ARRANGEMENT FROM THE
PREVIOUS
SCENE AND CARRIES IT HERE AND THERE, TRYING TO FIND ITS PERFECT SPOT.
MORTIMER GOES ABOUT HIS BUSINESS
SETTING
THE TABLES, VERY EFFICIENTLY. JUSTIN TRIES, BUT IS PREOCCUPIED WITH
IVY,
AND CONSTANTLY BUMPS INTO TABLES AND CHAIRS.
ENTER JOEY.
JOEY
Well, Ivy, this is it. I just saw
Ed’s car
pull up outside.
IVY
I can barely believe he made it in this
weather.
JOEY
Well, like everything else, Ed overdid
it on
his car. He’s got a Saab sedan with four-wheel drive.
IVY
Why would anyone need four-wheel drive
in a
Saab?
ENTER EDDIE WITH HIROSHI.
ED
Because you never know where
life’s going to
take you, that’s why.
JOEY
Ed. It’s good to see you.
ED
Thanks, Joey. People call me "Eddie" now.
JOEY
Trying to regain your, Ed?
ED
Trying to regain the youth that you
stole from
me, babe.
(turning to introduce Hiroshi)
Hiroshi, this is Joey Martinez, the
manager
of this hotel. She’s no relation, but she still keeps my name.
Joey, I’d like to introduce Mr.
Hiroshi,
from Sunspot Distribution in Japan.
JOEY
My pleasure, Mr. Hiroshi. Welcome to the
Parker
Hotel.
HIROSHI
The women in this country keep getting
more
and more beautiful.
JOEY
(beaming)
Ivy, a glass of champagne for Mr.
Hiroshi.
ED
That sounds good.
JOEY
(giving Ed a look)
And a ginger ale for this Mr. Martinez.
Where’s
Cleo, Ed?
ED
Oh, I asked Flash to pick her up on his
way
over. Hiroshi and I had some contracts to go over.
HIROSHI
Very beautiful contracts! Ha ha ha!
IVY COMES UP WITH A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE
AND
A CUP OF SODA.
JOEY
This is Ivy, our event coordinator here
at
the Parker Hotel. Didn’t she do a marvelous job with this room?
IVY
Oh, I don’t know, it was all just
thrown together
at the last minute.
ED
(turning on the charm)
Nonsense! It looks terrific!
IVY
Hors d’oeuvres should be ready any
minute.
A CRASH IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN.
ROMAN (O.S.)
Vash tu meroni!
IVY
Mortimer...would you go see about those
hors
d’oeuvres for me?
MORTIMER EXITS, KNOWING JUST WHAT SHE
MEANS.
ENTER SKY AND SARAH.
SKY
Man, it’s really coming down out
there. Hey,
everyone.
ED
I was wondering what was keeping you.
SKY
It took twenty minutes just to get up
that
last hill!
SARAH
Well, if we’d followed the
directions you copied
for me...
SKY
Who would put a hotel up on a cliff like
this
anyway? Doesn’t even look like it could stand in the wind
that’s building
out there.
ED
Sky, Sarah, I’d like you to meet
Joey... the
manager of the Parker Hotel.
SKY
Oh. Hi.
SARAH
While he takes his foot out of his
mouth, I’m
Sarah Leigh. I think it’s a very cozy place, Ms. Martinez.
JOEY
Thank you, Sarah. We like it.
SARAH
That fireplace is wonderful. I think
I’m going
to warm up to it right now. Wanna join me, Sky?
SKY
Uhm, in a minute.
SARAH AND JOEY CROSS TO THE FIREPLACE.
LUKE ENTERS.
LUKE
Dad!
ED
Lucas! How’s my little punk kid?
LUKE
Mom won’t let me dye my hair blue.
ED
I don’t see why not. She dyes
hers. Hiroshi-San,
this is my son, Lucas.
HIROSHI
Remember it is a son’s duty to
listen to his
mother, but act like his father.
LUKE
Dad, where’s my new mom?
ED
She’ll be here any time now, son.
LUKE
Cool! Dad, when do I get to come live
with
you?
ED
Uh, well--hey, I got your Christmas
present
out in the car!
LUKE
Nice diversion tactic, Dad.
ENTER JUSTIN AND MORTIMER WITH TRAYS OF
HORS
D’OEUVRES.
JUSTIN HAS TROUBLE CARRYING HIS TRAY.
MORTIMER
IS THERE TO SAVE HIM.
JOEY
Oh, good! Food. I think we could all use
some!
TRAYS ARE PUT ON THE TABLES. PEOPLE
BEGIN TO
EAT.
ENTER FLASH AND CLEO. THEIR COATS
HAVE SNOW
ON THEM.
ED
There you are, my darling!
(crossing to Cleo and kissing her)
Thanks for picking her up, Flash.
FLASH
Oh, anytime, Eddie.
ED
What took you two so long?
CLEO
Haven’t you looked outside? I
cannot believe
you made me come to this stupid party in this stupid Tibetan monastery
on top of the Himalayas.
ED
Now now, darling, I know how you love a
good
adventure.
CLEO
You love adventure. I love shopping.
ED
Well, when Flash is driving, it’s
always an
adventure.
CLEO
You can say that again.
ED
Cleo, my love, this is Hiroshi-San, the
distributor
from Japan that I told you about.
HIROSHI
I respect very much a man who surrounds
himself
with such beautiful women.
CLEO
What’s that supposed to be? Charm?
ED
Uh, heh heh...would you like a drink, my
dove?
You seem tense...
CLEO
Ew! No alcohol for me. Oh, are these
hors d’oeuvres?
I’m ravenous.
SHE BUSIES HERSELF BY EATING.
SKY
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever
seen Cleo actually
eat. Is she always so... so... well, such a bitch?
SARAH
Not usually. Cold and aloof, yes, the
antithesis
of congenial and warm, but she’s usually not so... vocal.
ED
Flash, what happened in that car?
Cleo’s on
a rampage, and I was hoping she’d help me win over this account
with Hiroshi!
FLASH
I don’t know, Ed. Everything was
fine until
we turned a corner, there was a small snow flurry, hit a pot-hole and
then
WHAM, Sybil-city.
ED
Cybill Shepherd? What’s she got to
do with
this?
cut to:
5. INT. CAR MIDDLE OF SNOW STORM
GABRIEL IS DRIVING. AUTUMN NEXT TO
HIM;
SUMMER IN BACKSEAT.
AUTUMN
Do ye know where ye’re
goin’, man? Ye’re drivin’
like the death-coach itself!
GABRIEL
Well, you nagging at me isn’t
helping me drive
any better. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a blinding
snow storm
out there.
AUTUMN
Don’t be daft! Of course I can see
that. Keep
yer eyes on the road!
GABRIEL
What road? I’m not even sure
we’re on one anymore!
I think we should just pull over and wait this out.
AUTUMN
Don’t you dare, man. We’re
goin’ to this blessed
event, come hell or high water, I tell ya!
SUMMER
Yeah. We’re not turning back now.
That Hiroshi
might be our one-way ticket to international fame.
GABRIEL
International? Aren’t you from
Ireland?
AUTUMN
What Summer means is that, though
we’ve had
a modicum of success back in our homeland of Eire, we seek greater gold
over the rainbow. More summer in the meadow, as it were.
SUMMER
Less valley hushed and white with snow.
GABRIEL
They certainly aren’t hushed right
now. Listen
to that wind howl! We’re never going to get there.
SUMMER
We will! Just keep driving!
AUTUMN
Keep yer eyes on the road, man!
cut to:
6. INT. BANQUET ROOM, PARKER HOTEL
DISCOVERED ARE SKY, SARAH, CLEO,
JOEY, FLASH,
HIROSHI, IVY.
SKY LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
ENTER JUSTIN, WHO CARRIES A STACK OF
PLATES
NEARLY UP TO HIS EYEBALLS. HE WEAVES BACK AND FORTH AS HE MOVES TOWARD
A TABLE.
MORTIMER BOLTS THROUGH THE KITCHEN
DOOR
AND CATCHES SOME OF THE PLATES JUST AS JUSTIN LOSES CONTROL. IN A
NEAR-BALLET
PIROUETTE, HE SPINS AND GENTLY PLACES THE STACK OF PLATES ON A NEARBY
TABLE.
HE COMMANDINGLY POINTS TOWARD THE
KITCHEN
DOOR, AND JUSTIN SULKS BACK TOWARD IT. MORTIMER IMMEDIATELY SETS THE
TABLE.
SKY
Wow. I can’t even see the parking
lot, now.
I hope Gabriel’s okay.
ED
Don’t worry, Sky. Gabriel and
Every Season
will be here any second, and then we’ll have some entertainment!
HIROSHI
Ah, the hills of Ireland are very
beautiful.
CLEO
You’re not going to have Gabriel
Gold sing
tonight, are you, Ed?
ED
Sure, it’ll be...fun!
JOEY
I thought everyone called you "Eddie,"
Ed.
IVY
Gabriel Gold? THE Gabriel Gold?
SARAH
You know him?
IVY
I love him! He’s my favourite
cheesy retro
lounge singer! He’s better than Jack Jones! I have all his albums.
SARAH
He’s only had one.
IVY
Oh, my god, I can’t believe that
Gabriel Gold
is coming to this party! I’m going to check on the hors
d’oeuvres and the
entree!
SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.
PERKING UP ON THE WORD "HORS
D’OEUVRES,"
CLEO FOLLOWS HER.
SKY
I’m going to call Gabe.
(takes out his cell phone and dials)
Hey, Ga—Gabe? Is that you? I can
barely hear
you. Where are you? What? No, I don’t think there’s a magic
act—hello?
Hello??
(pause)
It went dead. I’ll try again.
(re-dials)
Nothing... no signal....
FLASH
I’ll try mine.
(pulling out phone)
It’s an Airtel 750.
(speaking into phone for voice
dialing)
Call Gabriel Gold. Voice Dialing. Gotta
love
it. Got the strongest signal of any system. Incredible battery life,
too.
Lasts for hours.
(startled; looks at phone)
It’s dead.
SARAH
Sky, what was Gabriel saying before you
got
cut off?
SKY
I don’t know. Sounded like he
wanted to know
if there was going to be a magic act at the party.
ENTER IVY, FLUSTERED.
IVY
I just heard on the radio in the kitchen
that
the road leading down from the mountain is blocked! There’s been
a tragic
accident! We’re trapped!
ED
For how long?
IVY
I don’t know. There was some sort
of mini-avalanche.
We’re snowed in!
JOEY
There’s no way for a snow plow to
come up this
steep hill. We might have to wait until it starts melting tomorrow.
SKY
You mean we have to stay here? I hate
being
cooped up! I’m claustrophic!
FLASH COMES UP TO SKY AND WHISPERS IN
HIS EAR.
FLASH
I wonder if it’s true that this
place is haunted....
SKY
Haunted? Please...
SFX OLD FASHIONED WATER HEATER PIPES
BEING
BANGED OFFSTAGE.
SKY
I’ve got to get out of here.
SKY WILDLY STARTS SEARCHING THE WALLS
FOR EXITS.
SARAH
It’ll be fun, Sky! Think of it as
a big slumber
party.
JOEY
Unfortunately, all the rooms in the
Hotel are
booked. But we will make you all as comfortable as we can.
ED
I think now would be a good time for the
main
course of the evening.
JOEY
I’ll go check on the entree.
ED
No, I didn’t mean that. I meant
this.
EDDIE CROSSES TO THE BAR AND STARTS
OPENING
ALL THE BOTTLES.
FADE OUT.
ACT THREE
7. INT. BANQUET ROOM. TWO HOURS LATER
SARAH AND FLASH ARE DISCOVERED AT ONE
OF
THE TABLES. THEY PLAY A DRINKING GAME, A LA ‘QUARTERS.’
FLASH
Odd-Job.
SARAH
"Goldfinger."
FLASH
George Lazenby.
SARAH
That’s easy. "On Her
Majesty’s Secret Service."
FLASH
Hey, you’re good!
SARAH
Not an association! My point!
FLASH
Dang!
(He drinks.)
Man, you really know your James Bond
movies.
SARAH
I love ‘em!
FLASH
Me, too!
SARAH
My dad and I used to watch ‘em
together when
I was a kid.
FLASH
My dad and I never did anything
together. What’s
your favourite Bond movie?
SARAH & FLASH
"Live and Let Die!"
ENTER EDDIE FROM CAMERA LEFT. JOEY
ENTERS CAMERA
RIGHT.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ED SEEMS AS
THOUGH
HE’S ABOUT TO MAKE A CUTTING REMARK, THEN CHANGES HIS ATTITUDE.
HE CROSSES
TO A VASE OF FLOWERS.
ED
You did a great job on these flowers,
Joey.
JOEY
(warily)
Thanks...
ED
The whole place looks great. I mean it.
Thanks
for putting this all together under such short notice. I owe you one.
JOEY
One?
ED
Okay, maybe more than one.
JOEY
Thanks, Ed. That does mean a lot to me.
ENTER SKY AND IVY, TALKING CLOSELY WITH
ONE
ANOTHER.
SARAH
Sky! Where’ve you been?
SKY
Ivy’s been showing me around the
hotel to keep
me from going stir crazy.
SARAH
Oh, she has, has she?
IVY
We’ve been trying to find a signal
for the
cell phone, too.
SARAH
Is that what their calling it now?
IVY
What’s that supposed to mean?
OFFSTAGE, A SMALL RUCKUS IS HEARD FROM
THE
KITCHEN.
ENTER CLEO FROM THE KITCHEN, LAUGHING
AND
IN A NOTICEABLY DIFFERENT MOOD.
CLEO
Vash tu meroni! Ah ha ha ha!
IVY
I’d better see what’s up in
there.
SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.
CLEO
Whoo boy, those boys can cook, Joey!
JOEY
Thanks, Cleo.
CLEO
That Rumanian chef made me a peach
cobbler
my mother herself couldn’t put together!
JOEY
He’s Hungarian.
CLEO
Whatever! He sure is funny, though!
JOEY
Roman? Funny??
CLEO
I didn’t know what he was saying,
but he had
us all on the floor, imitating the folks around here! I should have my
agent look at him!
ENTER IVY, WRAPPED IN ROMAN’S ARM.
SHE TRIES
TO GET AWAY FROM HIS EMBRACE, UNSUCCESSFULLY.
THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY MORTIMER AND
JUSTIN.
ROMAN
Bilyu ta vashti! Ha ha ha!
IVY
Mortimer, help!
MORTIMER
With what? He’s just trying to be
friendly.
IVY
He’s trying to kill me!
MORTIMER
No he’s not! But I’ll see if
I can call him
off, if...
IVY
If??
MORTIMER
If you give me a raise.
IVY
A raise?
JOEY
A raise?!?
MORTIMER
...and a promotion.
IVY
A promotion?!? You’re a busboy.
MORTIMER
I’m sick of being a busboy. I want
to be wait-captain.
IVY
What?!?
JUSTIN
He deserves it, Ivy. He does everything
around
here. He’s been doing the work of four waiters! Haven’t you
noticed?
IVY
Well... I guess I’ve been kind of
busy...
ROMAN
Ivy Mortimer vashti...
IVY
Okay, okay! Call him off and you can be
wait-captain!
MORTIMER
Tu bilyu Ivy meru.
ROMAN
Vashti!
HE RELEASES IVY. SHE SHRINKS FROM HIM.
MORTIMER
You shouldn’t be afraid of Roman.
He’s been
trying to tell you all day what happened to the waiters and the soup.
IVY
He has?
MORTIMER
Yup. Someone put something in the
vichyssoises
that made the waiters sick when they had their lunch.
ROMAN
Il boyu!
IVY
What?
MORTIMER
The kid. He put Ipecac in the soup.
IVY
Kid?
JOEY
Luke....
ED
Luke? My little Lucas?
JOEY
(yelling)
LUKE!!!
ED
Let me handle this...LUUUUCAS!
HE STORMS OFF.
CLEO
This has been fun, Joey!
JOEY
Are you drunk?
CLEO
Me? No way. Not in my condition. Just on
a
peach cobbler high!
JOEY
(beaming)
That’s my recipe, you know.
CLEO
It is? Girl, we need to talk!
FLASH
What kind of condition?
CLEO
What kind do you think, baby?
FLASH
You’re...pregnant?!?
CLEO
Catching on there quick, baby.
Don’t tell Ed,
yet, though! I can’t wait to see those eyes bug out when I do.
IVY
I’m sorry, Roman. For being scared
of you.
ROMAN SHRUGS. HE GESTURES FOR HER TO
FOLLOW
BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.
MORTIMER
There’s more peach cobbler.
IVY
Oh!
EXIT ROMAN, IVY, MORTIMER, JUSTIN.
SARAH
(to Sky)
Okay, I wanna know just what was going
on between
the two of you.
SKY
The two of who?
SARAH
Whom.
SKY
Hunh?
SARAH
You and that Ivy chick!
SKY
What are you talking about? She was just
showing
me around.
SARAH
I bet.
SKY
What’s gotten into you, Sarah?
FLASH
About six shots of Tennessee’s
finest.
SKY
You’re drunk?
SARAH
I’m not drunk!
SKY
Well, you sure aren’t your usual
self.
SARAH
What would you know about my usual self?
You
don’t even see me.
SKY
What do you mean? I see you every day.
SARAH
Yeah, but you don’t see me. Like a
girl likes
to be seen. The way you were "seeing" that Ivy over
there…wherever she
is now…
SKY
I think you’re the one
that’s seeing things.
You need some coffee.
SARAH
What I need, baby, you ain’t got!
CLEO
Go, girl!
ENTER ED.
ED
I can’t find him anywhere.
ENTER HIROSHI AND LUKE.
HIROSHI
Ah, Mr. Eddie. You’re son has been
showing
me all the latest things in e-commerce for music on his computer. Very
smart boy.
ED
He’s smart all right…
HIROSHI
You must be very proud of him.
ED
Oh, proud doesn’t begin to
describe what I
feel for him right now…
HIROSHI
He’s convinced me that your
musicians will
sell very well for very cheap in Japan using the web.
ED
I’m very proud of him!
JOEY
Ed, what about the soup?
ED
No thanks, I’m not hungry. Oh!
Don’t worry,
Joey. We won’t let that soup get cold… Lucas, go see your
mother. She’s
got something for you.
LUKE
What?
ED
A surprise.
HE USHERS LUKE TO JOEY, WHO GRABS HIM
AND CARTS
HIM INTO THE KITCHEN.
FROM THE KITCHEN, YELLING IN
FAUX-HUNGARIAN
CAN BE HEARD AND THERE IS A CRASH OF PANS.
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND EVERYONE IN
THE
ROOM IS BLOWN BACK BY THE COLD WIND FROM OUTSIDE.
ED
Close that door!
ENTER GABRIEL AND EVERY SEASON.
SKY
Gabe! You’re all right.
GABRIEL
Cold…so very cold…
ED
Quick, someone get them a drink.
SARAH BRINGS OVER A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY.
GABE
STARTS TO DRINK SOME, BUT AUTUMN GRABS IT OUT OF HIS HAND AND TAKES A
SWIG,
THEN GIVES IT TO HER SISTER.
SKY BRINGS GABRIEL OVER TO THE
FIREPLACE.
SKY
What happened?
GABRIEL
Accident… tragic accident…
AUTUMN
The man tried to kill us with his wild
driving!
GABRIEL
When I got to the base of the mountain
and
saw that you couldn’t get through, I tried to turn back.
SKY
Why didn’t you?
GABRIEL
(indicating Autumn)
This one…grabbed the wheel
...forced us into
a ditch.
SUMMER
She was trying to keep you on the road,
you
yutz!
SARAH
What happened to your Irish accents?
GABRIEL
Oh, they’re from Dublin, all
right…Dublin,
California!
AUTUMN
The man’s mad from snow madness!
SARAH
The jig’s up. So is the reel.
FLASH
What does it matter where they come
from, as
long as they can sing?
ED
That’s right. Heh he he…
SKY
So how did you guys make it here?
GABRIEL
They... they forced me...to hike up the
hill.
SUMMER
We knew that Mr. Hiroshi wanted to hear
us
sing.
HIROSHI
Ah, I heard your CD in the car when Mr.
Eddie
drove us over to the hotel. Lovely voices.
ED
Well, I guess we should be glad that
everything
turned out so well!
GABRIEL
…can’t…feel my
hands….
SARAH COMES UP TO SKY.
SARAH
Sky…I’m sorry about what I
said, earlier.
SKY
I’m sorry, too.
SARAH
For what?
SKY
For not "seeing" you. Maybe I should
take a
better look, from now on.
ED
Cleo, what’s say we fix everyone a
round of
hot toddies?
CLEO
All righty, Eddie. For everyone but me.
ED
Why not you?
FLASH
Erg.. her condition….
CLEO
Ed, it’s Christmas…and I
have a Christmas surprise
for you.
SHE PATS HER TUMMY.
ED
You’re-- ?
CLEO
Merry Christmas, "Daddy."
ENTER JOEY, IVY, ROMAN, MORTIMER,
JUSTIN, LUKE.
JOEY CARRIES A KARAOKE MACHINE.
JOEY
Look what I found. A karaoke machine.
Now we
can have some entertainment while we wait for this blizzard to pass!
ED
I think there’s been quite a lot
of entertainment
tonight already.
JOEY AND IVY BEGIN SETTING UP THE
KARAOKE MACHINE.
EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THE TAPES, PICKING OUT SONGS. THE MOOD IS JOVIAL.
MUSIC RISE AND FADE OUT.
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