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Character Profiles

Episode: "Deck the Halls, not Each Other"

by Matthew John Gallagher
copyright 2004

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

1. INT. EDDIE MARTINEZ’ OFFICE, MORNING.

SFX PHONE RINGING.

CU ED'S HAND ANSWERING PHONE.

ED Yes? KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) You've got two calls on the line, Mr. Martinez. ED Kari, you know I don't take calls

before ten AM.

KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) I think they're important, sir. ED Who are they? KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) A Mr. Hiroshima from Sunspot

Distribution in Japan-

ED Hiroshi, Kari. It's Hee-roe-shee. KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Yes , sir. He's at the hotel, sir. ED Who's the other person? KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) You're wife, sir. ED Oh, Cleo- KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) You're ex-wife, sir. ED Oh. (pause) Tell her- KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) She says it's urgent, sir. ED It always is. KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (V.O.0 How's that, sir? ED Never mind. Patch her through.

Tell Hiroshi-san that I'll have

drinks with him at two this

afternoon.

KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) I thought it was Hiroshi, sir. ED It is. SPLIT SCREEN, JOEY & ED'S CONVERSATION. JOEY Ed? ED Joey? Look, I'm really busy. JOEY It's Luke. He's been saying that

he's adopted again.

ED Oh, boy. JOEY Maybe you could talk to him. ED At least. JOEY So. How are things? ED Oh, not bad, not bad. How're

things with you?

JOEY Great. Busy, you know, with the

holidays and all. Except for that cancellation tonight on the banquet room. I'm sort of glad, though. We could use a break.

ED That's great. Look, Joey, I really do have to get back to work. A client's waiting for me. JOEY Okay, Ed. ED I'll come by before Christmas and see Lucas, okay? JOEY That would be great, Ed. Give my

best to Chloe.

ED Cleo. It's Cleo. JOEY Cleo. Riiight.

It was good to talk to you, Ed.

ED PAUSES AND THEN HITS A BUTTON ON HIS SPEAKER PHONE. ED Kari, get Hiroshi-san on the phone again. Tell him I’ll meet him for drinks now. CUT TO:

TITLE SEQUENCE

dissolve to: 2. INT. LOBBY, "HEPKAT RECORDS".

SKY AND SARAH ARE DISCOVERED. SHE SITS BEHIND THE DESK AS HE SITS ON IT.

SARAH So do you have another hot date

for Christmas this year, Sky?

SKY Naw, I'll probably wait for Santa

to pass me by again this year.

SARAH Come on, you haven't been that naughty this year, have you? SKY If I'd been naughty enough, I'd

have a hot date.

SARAH Well, what about your family? SKY They're all back east. SARAH Well, why don't you come over to

my-

ENTER ED AND HIROSHI, BOISTEROUS AND LAUGHING. HIROSHI --down to the wharf-ah, ha ha ha ha

ha ha! Very funny!

ED Hiroshi-San, I'd like you to meet

Sky Davis, our newest agent here

at Hepkat. He handles all the new

talent that comes through our

doors.

HIROSHI An honour to meet you. SKY I've heard a lot about you, Mr.

Hir-

HIROSHI And, who is this? ED Oh, this is Sarah Leigh, Sky's assistant. HIROSHI What a tasty morsel. Will Miss

Sarah Leigh be my hostess for the

duration of my trip?

ED Hmm? Oh. I'm sure that can be

arranged, Hiroshi-San.

HIROSHI Good. I would hate to go "stag"

to tonight's party.

SARAH Party? ED Party? HIROSHI In my country, it is custom to

throw a party the night that a

visiting business associate

arrives.

ED Oh, yes! Our. office Christmas

party is tonight!

SARAH It is? SKY Tonight? How come I didn't hear

about it?

ED Maybe it was in one of those

office memos you never read.

HIROSHI Ah, I have heard so much about

American office Christmas parties

that I am looking forward to yours

tonight.

ED (aside to Sarah) Sarah, get the Parker Hotel on the phone and have them page my ex-wife Joey. Pronto. ENTER GABRIEL. SARAH DIALS THE PHONE. ED Hiroshi-san, I'd like you to meet one of our top talents, Gabriel Gold. GABRIEL (Bowing too deeply) Ah, Mr. Hiroshi-Sama! Welcome to America! You know, I toured Japan once- HIROSHI Perhaps you speak Japanese? SARAH HANDS THE PHONE TO ED. GABRIEL Uh. Hai!! I just love karaoke. HIROSHI I'd love to hear you. GABRIEL PUFFS HIMSELF UP TO START SINGING. SKY I think he means your studio tape,

Gabe.

ED Okay, it's all set! I mean, I was

just calling to confirm our

reservation for the party tonight.

GABRIEL Party? ED The annual office Christmas party.

Did you forget about it?

GABRIEL I must have! SKY We all must have. Collective

amnesia or something.

ED Sarah will make sure everyone

gets instructions.

SARAH I'll go make copies now. SKY I can do that for you. HE EXITS. ED The party's being held at a quaint

little inn called the Parker

Hotel.

ENTER FLASH AND EVERY SEASON. FLASH The Parker Hotel? Isn't that

place haunted?

ED Haunted? FLASH Yeah, by your ex-wife. ED Hiroshi-San, this is Flash Norton,

one of our top agents.

FLASH Ah, Hiroshi-San. (bowing appropriately) Hajimemashite, Hiroshi-San.Flash-u to moshimasu. Dozoyoroshiku. HIROSHI Oaidekite ureshii desu. FLASH "Every Season" desu. Kochira wa Ireland desu. HIROSHI Ah, Ireland. Very beautiful. SUMMER Yes, how fondly we remember the

green, green grass of home.

AUTUMN Yes, from hill to hill. ED Great. Well, Hiroshi-San and I

have reservations at Ginger, so

we'd better be going. Flash, why

don't you and Every Season join

us?

FLASH Sure, why not? GABRIEL Hey, mind if I tag along with you,

Eddie-buddy? I'm sure Mr. Hiroshi

would love to hear some of my

touring stories.

HIROSHI Sarah Leigh, she is not coming? ED She'll see you tonight at the

party, Hiroshi-San.

HIROSHI I'll save a special glass of

champagne for you, my little

cupcake.

ED We'd better be going. We don't

want to be late.

ALL EXCEPT SARAH EXIT.

RE-ENTER SKY.

SKY Where'd everyone go? SARAH Mr. Martinez took them all out to lunch. SKY Why didn't he ask me to go? SARAH Maybe it was in one of those memos

you don't read.

SKY Where's Gabriel? SARAH He went with Mr. Martinez and the

others.

SKY Even Gabriel?? Well, here are the

directions to the Parker Hotel

tonight. I wonder why we're

having the party there.

SARAH Mr. Martinez wanted to impress Mr.

Hiroshi?

SKY I thought the place was condemned. SARAH Come on, it'll be fun. SKY Fun. Yeah. SARAH Look at it this way. You didn't

have anything to do for the

holidays. Now, you do.

SKY Are there any other options? SARAH Yes. Sitting home with Marie

Callendar and a can of beer.

SKY Sounds pretty good, actually. SARAH And not helping your boss land the

deal of the century with Sunspot

Distribution in Japan.

SKY That doesn't sound so good

actually.

SARAH Happy holidays. fade to:

INT. BANQUET ROOM AT THE PARKER HOTEL LATER THAT EVENING

JOEY AND IVY ARE DISCOVERED. JOEY I know this is short notice, but everything's got to be perfect tonight, Ivy. IVY You got it, Joey. JOEY This is the first time that Ed has

turned to me for anything since

the divorce. I want to show him that I've made it on my own.

IVY I think any man could see that, Joey. JOEY Not this man. He only sees what

he wants to see. I don't even

think he noticed I was gone for

two weeks after I left him.

IVY Really? JOEY Yeah. Of course, he had something

in his eye at the time.

IVY What? JOEY A super model. ENTER LUKE, 13 YEARS OLD AND A PUNK. LUKE Hey, Mom. What's goin' on? JOEY We're busy getting ready for a

party tonight.

LUKE I thought you said that we were

going to see "Last Battle" tonight!

JOEY Well, this office party came up at

the last minute.

LUKE Something's always getting in the

way "at the last minute." I'm

going to go live with Dad.

JOEY Great, you can ask him tonight. LUKE Tonight? JOEY Yes, we're getting ready for your

dad's office Christmas party.

LUKE All right! Will Cleo be here?? JOEY I don't know. I didn't even think

about that. I guess so.

IVY Cleo? LUKE Dad's wife. She's hot! IVY Nice way to talk in front of your

mother.

JOEY Why don't you go get cleaned up

and then maybe, just maybe, your

dad will let you come to the

party, too.

LUKE Cool. Do you think I have enough

time to dye my hair blue?

EXIT LUKE. JOEY (calling after him) No! (beat) I don't know what I'm going to do

with him.

IVY Maybe you should let Ed take Luke

for a while.

JOEY And let him get lost in the cracks

even more than he already has?

(MORE) FROM OFFSTAGE, SOMEWHERE IN THE WALLS, COMES THE LOUD PINGING OF OLD FASHIONED WATER HEATER PIPES. JOEY (cont'd) Oh, there goes that water heater again. It’s gotta hold out tonight. I better check on it, Ivy. I’ll be back later. IVY Okay. JOEY EXITS, WRINGING HER HANDS.

ENTER ROMAN THE CRAZED RUMANIAN CHEF AND MORTIMER THE BUSBOY.

ROMAN GESTURES WILDLY WITH A WOODEN SPOON.

ROMAN Il boyu im soiz du Vischy! Vash tu meroni! Vash tu meroni! IVY Slow down, Roman. Slow down! ROMAN Vash tu meroni! JOEY What's he saying? MORTIMER I don't know. I think it's

something about the soup.

ROMAN Vash tu meroni! Il boyu meshed mit de Vichyssoises! IVY Look, if the there's something

wrong with the Vishysoisse, then

we'll serve something else.

ROMAN GESTURES WILDLY FOR IVY TO FOLLOW HIM TO THE

KITCHEN. HE SWINGS OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR. IVY'S EYES

GO WIDE AS THE SOUND OF VOMITING CAN BE HEARD FROM THE

KITCHEN.

IVY Oh my gawd! What happened! MORTIMER All the waiters got sick. ROMAN Vash tu meroni! HE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.

ENTER JUSTIN, IVY'S CAR MECHANIC BOYFRIEND.

JUSTIN Hi, Ivy. I brought you something. IVY Justin! Not now! JUSTIN See, it's a little bear with

mistletoe. Isn't he cute?

IVY Justin, he's great, but right now

I've got a banquet in half an hour

and all of my wait staff as just

come down with Charles de Gaulle's

Revenge!

JUSTIN I don't know what that is, but if

you need some help....

IVY No, you'd just get in the way! Oh...wait a minute. Here, put this on. JUSTIN What is this? IVY An apron. JUSTIN But I'm a car mechanic, not a

waiter!

IVY (Pushing Justin and Mortimer through the kitchen door.) Mortimer will show you what to do! (Calling after them) And don't eat the soup!!! act two

FADE IN:

4. INT. BANQUET ROOM, EARLY EVENING.

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, FLURRIES OF SNOW BATTLE ONE ANOTHER.

MORTIMER AND JUSTIN ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. BOTH CARRY A STACK OF PLATES, WHICH MORTIMER DEFTLY WIELDS. JUSTIN NEARLY BUCKLES UNDER THE WEIGHT AND UNWIELDINESS OF THE PLATES AS THE SNAKE TO AND FROM. JUST BEFORE HE LOSES THE STACK COMPLETELY, MORTIMER SETS HIS OWN STACK DOWN AND CATCHES JUSTIN’S.

ENTER IVY.

SHE MOVES ABOUT THE ROOM MAKING SURE THAT EVERYTHING IS IN ITS PLACE. SHE SPIES THE FLOWER ARRANGEMENT FROM THE PREVIOUS SCENE AND CARRIES IT HERE AND THERE, TRYING TO FIND ITS PERFECT SPOT.

MORTIMER GOES ABOUT HIS BUSINESS SETTING THE TABLES, VERY EFFICIENTLY. JUSTIN TRIES, BUT IS PREOCCUPIED WITH IVY, AND CONSTANTLY BUMPS INTO TABLES AND CHAIRS.

ENTER JOEY.

JOEY Well, Ivy, this is it. I just saw Ed’s car pull up outside. IVY I can barely believe he made it in this weather. JOEY Well, like everything else, Ed overdid it on his car. He’s got a Saab sedan with four-wheel drive. IVY Why would anyone need four-wheel drive in a Saab? ENTER EDDIE WITH HIROSHI. ED Because you never know where life’s going to take you, that’s why. JOEY Ed. It’s good to see you. ED Thanks, Joey. People call me "Eddie" now. JOEY Trying to regain your, Ed? ED Trying to regain the youth that you stole from me, babe. (turning to introduce Hiroshi) Hiroshi, this is Joey Martinez, the manager of this hotel. She’s no relation, but she still keeps my name.

Joey, I’d like to introduce Mr. Hiroshi, from Sunspot Distribution in Japan.

JOEY My pleasure, Mr. Hiroshi. Welcome to the Parker Hotel. HIROSHI The women in this country keep getting more and more beautiful. JOEY (beaming) Ivy, a glass of champagne for Mr. Hiroshi. ED That sounds good. JOEY (giving Ed a look) And a ginger ale for this Mr. Martinez. Where’s Cleo, Ed? ED Oh, I asked Flash to pick her up on his way over. Hiroshi and I had some contracts to go over. HIROSHI Very beautiful contracts! Ha ha ha! IVY COMES UP WITH A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND A CUP OF SODA. JOEY This is Ivy, our event coordinator here at the Parker Hotel. Didn’t she do a marvelous job with this room? IVY Oh, I don’t know, it was all just thrown together at the last minute. ED (turning on the charm) Nonsense! It looks terrific! IVY Hors d’oeuvres should be ready any minute. A CRASH IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN. ROMAN (O.S.) Vash tu meroni! IVY Mortimer...would you go see about those hors d’oeuvres for me? MORTIMER EXITS, KNOWING JUST WHAT SHE MEANS.

ENTER SKY AND SARAH.

SKY Man, it’s really coming down out there. Hey, everyone. ED I was wondering what was keeping you. SKY It took twenty minutes just to get up that last hill! SARAH Well, if we’d followed the directions you copied for me... SKY Who would put a hotel up on a cliff like this anyway? Doesn’t even look like it could stand in the wind that’s building out there. ED Sky, Sarah, I’d like you to meet Joey... the manager of the Parker Hotel. SKY Oh. Hi. SARAH While he takes his foot out of his mouth, I’m Sarah Leigh. I think it’s a very cozy place, Ms. Martinez. JOEY Thank you, Sarah. We like it. SARAH That fireplace is wonderful. I think I’m going to warm up to it right now. Wanna join me, Sky? SKY Uhm, in a minute. SARAH AND JOEY CROSS TO THE FIREPLACE.

LUKE ENTERS.

LUKE Dad! ED Lucas! How’s my little punk kid? LUKE Mom won’t let me dye my hair blue. ED I don’t see why not. She dyes hers. Hiroshi-San, this is my son, Lucas. HIROSHI Remember it is a son’s duty to listen to his mother, but act like his father. LUKE Dad, where’s my new mom? ED She’ll be here any time now, son. LUKE Cool! Dad, when do I get to come live with you? ED Uh, well--hey, I got your Christmas present out in the car! LUKE Nice diversion tactic, Dad. ENTER JUSTIN AND MORTIMER WITH TRAYS OF HORS D’OEUVRES.

JUSTIN HAS TROUBLE CARRYING HIS TRAY. MORTIMER IS THERE TO SAVE HIM.

JOEY Oh, good! Food. I think we could all use some! TRAYS ARE PUT ON THE TABLES. PEOPLE BEGIN TO EAT.

ENTER FLASH AND CLEO. THEIR COATS HAVE SNOW ON THEM.

ED There you are, my darling! (crossing to Cleo and kissing her) Thanks for picking her up, Flash. FLASH Oh, anytime, Eddie. ED What took you two so long? CLEO Haven’t you looked outside? I cannot believe you made me come to this stupid party in this stupid Tibetan monastery on top of the Himalayas. ED Now now, darling, I know how you love a good adventure. CLEO You love adventure. I love shopping. ED Well, when Flash is driving, it’s always an adventure. CLEO You can say that again. ED Cleo, my love, this is Hiroshi-San, the distributor from Japan that I told you about. HIROSHI I respect very much a man who surrounds himself with such beautiful women. CLEO What’s that supposed to be? Charm? ED Uh, heh heh...would you like a drink, my dove? You seem tense... CLEO Ew! No alcohol for me. Oh, are these hors d’oeuvres? I’m ravenous. SHE BUSIES HERSELF BY EATING. SKY Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cleo actually eat. Is she always so... so... well, such a bitch? SARAH Not usually. Cold and aloof, yes, the antithesis of congenial and warm, but she’s usually not so... vocal. ED Flash, what happened in that car? Cleo’s on a rampage, and I was hoping she’d help me win over this account with Hiroshi! FLASH I don’t know, Ed. Everything was fine until we turned a corner, there was a small snow flurry, hit a pot-hole and then WHAM, Sybil-city. ED Cybill Shepherd? What’s she got to do with this? cut to: 5. INT. CAR MIDDLE OF SNOW STORM

GABRIEL IS DRIVING. AUTUMN NEXT TO HIM; SUMMER IN BACKSEAT.

AUTUMN Do ye know where ye’re goin’, man? Ye’re drivin’ like the death-coach itself! GABRIEL Well, you nagging at me isn’t helping me drive any better. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a blinding snow storm out there.

AUTUMN Don’t be daft! Of course I can see that. Keep yer eyes on the road! GABRIEL What road? I’m not even sure we’re on one anymore! I think we should just pull over and wait this out. AUTUMN Don’t you dare, man. We’re goin’ to this blessed event, come hell or high water, I tell ya! SUMMER Yeah. We’re not turning back now. That Hiroshi might be our one-way ticket to international fame. GABRIEL International? Aren’t you from Ireland? AUTUMN What Summer means is that, though we’ve had a modicum of success back in our homeland of Eire, we seek greater gold over the rainbow. More summer in the meadow, as it were. SUMMER Less valley hushed and white with snow. GABRIEL They certainly aren’t hushed right now. Listen to that wind howl! We’re never going to get there. SUMMER We will! Just keep driving! AUTUMN Keep yer eyes on the road, man! cut to: 6. INT. BANQUET ROOM, PARKER HOTEL

DISCOVERED ARE SKY, SARAH, CLEO, JOEY, FLASH, HIROSHI, IVY.

SKY LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.

ENTER JUSTIN, WHO CARRIES A STACK OF PLATES NEARLY UP TO HIS EYEBALLS. HE WEAVES BACK AND FORTH AS HE MOVES TOWARD A TABLE.

MORTIMER BOLTS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR AND CATCHES SOME OF THE PLATES JUST AS JUSTIN LOSES CONTROL. IN A NEAR-BALLET PIROUETTE, HE SPINS AND GENTLY PLACES THE STACK OF PLATES ON A NEARBY TABLE.

HE COMMANDINGLY POINTS TOWARD THE KITCHEN DOOR, AND JUSTIN SULKS BACK TOWARD IT. MORTIMER IMMEDIATELY SETS THE TABLE.

SKY Wow. I can’t even see the parking lot, now. I hope Gabriel’s okay. ED Don’t worry, Sky. Gabriel and Every Season will be here any second, and then we’ll have some entertainment! HIROSHI Ah, the hills of Ireland are very beautiful. CLEO You’re not going to have Gabriel Gold sing tonight, are you, Ed? ED Sure, it’ll be...fun! JOEY I thought everyone called you "Eddie," Ed. IVY Gabriel Gold? THE Gabriel Gold? SARAH You know him? IVY I love him! He’s my favourite cheesy retro lounge singer! He’s better than Jack Jones! I have all his albums. SARAH He’s only had one. IVY Oh, my god, I can’t believe that Gabriel Gold is coming to this party! I’m going to check on the hors d’oeuvres and the entree! SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.

PERKING UP ON THE WORD "HORS D’OEUVRES," CLEO FOLLOWS HER.

SKY I’m going to call Gabe. (takes out his cell phone and dials) Hey, Ga—Gabe? Is that you? I can barely hear you. Where are you? What? No, I don’t think there’s a magic act—hello? Hello?? (pause) It went dead. I’ll try again. (re-dials) Nothing... no signal.... FLASH I’ll try mine. (pulling out phone) It’s an Airtel 750. (speaking into phone for voice dialing) Call Gabriel Gold. Voice Dialing. Gotta love it. Got the strongest signal of any system. Incredible battery life, too. Lasts for hours. (startled; looks at phone) It’s dead. SARAH Sky, what was Gabriel saying before you got cut off? SKY I don’t know. Sounded like he wanted to know if there was going to be a magic act at the party. ENTER IVY, FLUSTERED. IVY I just heard on the radio in the kitchen that the road leading down from the mountain is blocked! There’s been a tragic accident! We’re trapped! ED For how long? IVY I don’t know. There was some sort of mini-avalanche. We’re snowed in! JOEY There’s no way for a snow plow to come up this steep hill. We might have to wait until it starts melting tomorrow. SKY You mean we have to stay here? I hate being cooped up! I’m claustrophic! FLASH COMES UP TO SKY AND WHISPERS IN HIS EAR. FLASH I wonder if it’s true that this place is haunted.... SKY Haunted? Please... SFX OLD FASHIONED WATER HEATER PIPES BEING BANGED OFFSTAGE. SKY I’ve got to get out of here. SKY WILDLY STARTS SEARCHING THE WALLS FOR EXITS. SARAH It’ll be fun, Sky! Think of it as a big slumber party. JOEY Unfortunately, all the rooms in the Hotel are booked. But we will make you all as comfortable as we can. ED I think now would be a good time for the main course of the evening. JOEY I’ll go check on the entree. ED No, I didn’t mean that. I meant this. EDDIE CROSSES TO THE BAR AND STARTS OPENING ALL THE BOTTLES.

FADE OUT.

ACT THREE

7. INT. BANQUET ROOM. TWO HOURS LATER

SARAH AND FLASH ARE DISCOVERED AT ONE OF THE TABLES. THEY PLAY A DRINKING GAME, A LA ‘QUARTERS.’

FLASH Odd-Job. SARAH "Goldfinger." FLASH George Lazenby. SARAH That’s easy. "On Her Majesty’s Secret Service." FLASH Hey, you’re good! SARAH Not an association! My point! FLASH Dang! (He drinks.) Man, you really know your James Bond movies. SARAH I love ‘em! FLASH Me, too! SARAH My dad and I used to watch ‘em together when I was a kid. FLASH My dad and I never did anything together. What’s your favourite Bond movie? SARAH & FLASH "Live and Let Die!" ENTER EDDIE FROM CAMERA LEFT. JOEY ENTERS CAMERA RIGHT.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ED SEEMS AS THOUGH HE’S ABOUT TO MAKE A CUTTING REMARK, THEN CHANGES HIS ATTITUDE. HE CROSSES TO A VASE OF FLOWERS.

ED You did a great job on these flowers, Joey. JOEY (warily) Thanks... ED The whole place looks great. I mean it. Thanks for putting this all together under such short notice. I owe you one. JOEY One? ED Okay, maybe more than one. JOEY Thanks, Ed. That does mean a lot to me. ENTER SKY AND IVY, TALKING CLOSELY WITH ONE ANOTHER. SARAH Sky! Where’ve you been? SKY Ivy’s been showing me around the hotel to keep me from going stir crazy. SARAH Oh, she has, has she? IVY We’ve been trying to find a signal for the cell phone, too. SARAH Is that what their calling it now? IVY What’s that supposed to mean? OFFSTAGE, A SMALL RUCKUS IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN.

ENTER CLEO FROM THE KITCHEN, LAUGHING AND IN A NOTICEABLY DIFFERENT MOOD.

CLEO Vash tu meroni! Ah ha ha ha! IVY I’d better see what’s up in there. SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. CLEO Whoo boy, those boys can cook, Joey! JOEY Thanks, Cleo. CLEO That Rumanian chef made me a peach cobbler my mother herself couldn’t put together! JOEY He’s Hungarian. CLEO Whatever! He sure is funny, though! JOEY Roman? Funny?? CLEO I didn’t know what he was saying, but he had us all on the floor, imitating the folks around here! I should have my agent look at him! ENTER IVY, WRAPPED IN ROMAN’S ARM. SHE TRIES TO GET AWAY FROM HIS EMBRACE, UNSUCCESSFULLY.

THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY MORTIMER AND JUSTIN.

ROMAN Bilyu ta vashti! Ha ha ha! IVY Mortimer, help! MORTIMER With what? He’s just trying to be friendly. IVY He’s trying to kill me! MORTIMER No he’s not! But I’ll see if I can call him off, if... IVY If?? MORTIMER If you give me a raise. IVY A raise? JOEY A raise?!? MORTIMER ...and a promotion. IVY A promotion?!? You’re a busboy. MORTIMER I’m sick of being a busboy. I want to be wait-captain. IVY What?!? JUSTIN He deserves it, Ivy. He does everything around here. He’s been doing the work of four waiters! Haven’t you noticed? IVY Well... I guess I’ve been kind of busy... ROMAN Ivy Mortimer vashti... IVY Okay, okay! Call him off and you can be wait-captain! MORTIMER Tu bilyu Ivy meru. ROMAN Vashti! HE RELEASES IVY. SHE SHRINKS FROM HIM. MORTIMER You shouldn’t be afraid of Roman. He’s been trying to tell you all day what happened to the waiters and the soup. IVY He has? MORTIMER Yup. Someone put something in the vichyssoises that made the waiters sick when they had their lunch. ROMAN Il boyu! IVY What? MORTIMER The kid. He put Ipecac in the soup. IVY Kid? JOEY Luke.... ED Luke? My little Lucas? JOEY (yelling) LUKE!!! ED Let me handle this...LUUUUCAS! HE STORMS OFF. CLEO This has been fun, Joey! JOEY Are you drunk? CLEO Me? No way. Not in my condition. Just on a peach cobbler high! JOEY (beaming) That’s my recipe, you know. CLEO It is? Girl, we need to talk! FLASH What kind of condition? CLEO What kind do you think, baby? FLASH You’re...pregnant?!? CLEO Catching on there quick, baby. Don’t tell Ed, yet, though! I can’t wait to see those eyes bug out when I do. IVY I’m sorry, Roman. For being scared of you. ROMAN SHRUGS. HE GESTURES FOR HER TO FOLLOW BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. MORTIMER There’s more peach cobbler. IVY Oh! EXIT ROMAN, IVY, MORTIMER, JUSTIN. SARAH (to Sky) Okay, I wanna know just what was going on between the two of you. SKY The two of who? SARAH Whom. SKY Hunh? SARAH You and that Ivy chick! SKY What are you talking about? She was just showing me around. SARAH I bet. SKY What’s gotten into you, Sarah? FLASH About six shots of Tennessee’s finest. SKY You’re drunk? SARAH I’m not drunk! SKY Well, you sure aren’t your usual self. SARAH What would you know about my usual self? You don’t even see me. SKY What do you mean? I see you every day. SARAH Yeah, but you don’t see me. Like a girl likes to be seen. The way you were "seeing" that Ivy over there…wherever she is now… SKY I think you’re the one that’s seeing things. You need some coffee. SARAH What I need, baby, you ain’t got! CLEO Go, girl! ENTER ED. ED I can’t find him anywhere. ENTER HIROSHI AND LUKE. HIROSHI Ah, Mr. Eddie. You’re son has been showing me all the latest things in e-commerce for music on his computer. Very smart boy. ED He’s smart all right… HIROSHI You must be very proud of him. ED Oh, proud doesn’t begin to describe what I feel for him right now… HIROSHI He’s convinced me that your musicians will sell very well for very cheap in Japan using the web. ED I’m very proud of him! JOEY Ed, what about the soup? ED No thanks, I’m not hungry. Oh! Don’t worry, Joey. We won’t let that soup get cold… Lucas, go see your mother. She’s got something for you. LUKE What? ED A surprise. HE USHERS LUKE TO JOEY, WHO GRABS HIM AND CARTS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN.

FROM THE KITCHEN, YELLING IN FAUX-HUNGARIAN CAN BE HEARD AND THERE IS A CRASH OF PANS.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM IS BLOWN BACK BY THE COLD WIND FROM OUTSIDE.

ED Close that door! ENTER GABRIEL AND EVERY SEASON. SKY Gabe! You’re all right. GABRIEL Cold…so very cold… ED Quick, someone get them a drink. SARAH BRINGS OVER A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY. GABE STARTS TO DRINK SOME, BUT AUTUMN GRABS IT OUT OF HIS HAND AND TAKES A SWIG, THEN GIVES IT TO HER SISTER.

SKY BRINGS GABRIEL OVER TO THE FIREPLACE.

SKY What happened? GABRIEL Accident… tragic accident… AUTUMN The man tried to kill us with his wild driving! GABRIEL When I got to the base of the mountain and saw that you couldn’t get through, I tried to turn back. SKY Why didn’t you? GABRIEL (indicating Autumn) This one…grabbed the wheel ...forced us into a ditch. SUMMER She was trying to keep you on the road, you yutz! SARAH What happened to your Irish accents? GABRIEL Oh, they’re from Dublin, all right…Dublin, California! AUTUMN The man’s mad from snow madness!

SARAH The jig’s up. So is the reel. FLASH What does it matter where they come from, as long as they can sing? ED That’s right. Heh he he… SKY So how did you guys make it here? GABRIEL They... they forced me...to hike up the hill. SUMMER We knew that Mr. Hiroshi wanted to hear us sing. HIROSHI Ah, I heard your CD in the car when Mr. Eddie drove us over to the hotel. Lovely voices. ED Well, I guess we should be glad that everything turned out so well! GABRIEL …can’t…feel my hands…. SARAH COMES UP TO SKY. SARAH Sky…I’m sorry about what I said, earlier. SKY I’m sorry, too. SARAH For what? SKY For not "seeing" you. Maybe I should take a better look, from now on. ED Cleo, what’s say we fix everyone a round of hot toddies? CLEO All righty, Eddie. For everyone but me. ED Why not you? FLASH Erg.. her condition…. CLEO Ed, it’s Christmas…and I have a Christmas surprise for you. SHE PATS HER TUMMY. ED You’re-- ? CLEO Merry Christmas, "Daddy." ENTER JOEY, IVY, ROMAN, MORTIMER, JUSTIN, LUKE.

JOEY CARRIES A KARAOKE MACHINE.

JOEY Look what I found. A karaoke machine. Now we can have some entertainment while we wait for this blizzard to pass! ED I think there’s been quite a lot of entertainment tonight already. JOEY AND IVY BEGIN SETTING UP THE KARAOKE MACHINE. EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THE TAPES, PICKING OUT SONGS. THE MOOD IS JOVIAL.

MUSIC RISE AND FADE OUT.

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