TO KILLING MONSTERS
about the impending zombie apocalypse? Did a vampire move into your
neighbourhood? Did you go camping, only to find that a pack of
werewolves is roaming the KOA? Has your interest in archeology put you
on the wrong side of ancient curse? Has your beach party turned into a
Never fear! If you keep your head and stock up on the right
you will be well-prepared to handle any of the common infestation of
|How to Kill Vampires
||Keep in mind that
Vampires are strong, and fast. They
can hide in shadows, hypnotize you, and sometimes can change their form
in the blink of an eye. It seems that nothing will sway them from their
prey...ripe, blood-filled humans. How do you defend yourself against
something that can pick up a VW Beetle and throw it at you, or
dissipate into mist?
First of all, keep your distance. If you're religious, you can brandish
a blessed holy
item of your religion to keep the vampire at bay (at least two arms
length is preferred) allowing you to reach for your weapon of choice
and take aim. Don't just take aim, of course, take
That is, take the heart of the vampire, if you can. The usual
method is to drive a sharp wooden object (often referred to as a stake,
but a broken chair leg will do nicely in a pinch.) Vampires are
allergic to wood, and laugh off metal projectiles such as bullets, so
your weapon has to be made of wood (preferably raw wood that does not
have a veneer). Make sure your aim is true, though! Vampries can heal
almost any injury save the destruction of the heart muscle or
If you really want to make sure that the vampire is truly dead (and
trust me, you really do), burn the body. Fire will destroy the
vampire's body, and actually release its trapped soul so that it
will transmigrate to the next world. Killing a vampires is actually saving him!
Many vampre hunters will make the mistake of spending WAY too much time
tyring to find where a vampire sleeps during the day... and then open a
window to let the sunshine in. Are they kidding? Your best
of weaponry is a combination of crossbow outfitted with wood quarrels
and a nice, big flamethrower. Fwoosh!
|How to Kill Werewolves
are very, very strong and fast, so keep your distance! They come in a
couple of different varieties: those that metamorph from human to full
lupine, and those that go halfsies, transforming into a man-wolf.
Both varieties of Werewolves are highly allergic to silver, which acts
like an antibiotic against the lycanthrope virus. You can easly wound a
werewolf with a silver fork, but we're talking about killing the
monster here, so go ahead and get some silver bullets and a nice
If you don't know where to buy silver bullets, do this:
1) go to a fancy restaurant and steal as much of the silverware as
2) go to the library and check out a book on how to smelt metal
and make bullets (it's totally easy, actually); make at
silver bullets (one can never have too many);
3) visit your local gun range and
practice, practice, practice!
As with vampires, you'll want your FIRST
shot to destroy the heart of the werewolf. (A blow that destroys the
head is just as effective.)
Werewolves can also be destroyed by fire, so keep that flamethrower
|How to Kill Mummies
are really just
old corpses, animated by ancient spells to protect tombs and kill
people who would desecrate them. Wwrapped in bandages, they
highly inflammable. When "researchers" from England raped Egypt of its
treasures in the late 19th Century, they actually used mummy bodies as
kindling. Poor Pharaoh! Don't waste your time reading the Book of the
Dead to find the right spell that will stop a mummy. Just hoist your
and burn, baby, burn!
|How to Destroy the
monster has been torched, frozen,
buried... and still will show up at dinner parties uninvited. You can
try to burn him with your flamethrower, but the tissue of his body is
so resilient that he might get you before he's totally consumed by
flame. If that happens, you'll enjoy being burned alive while he
crushes your windpipe - either way, no fun!
My suggestion (this will
take some advanced planning on your part): The
Lure-Trick-Trip-and-Sizzle. Prepare a large vat of acid. The
Frankenstein Monster loves watching flowers float like pretty little
boats, and will also follow a little girl anywhere (which raises his
creep factor up several notches) so lure him to your acid vat by
dressing as Heidi, carrying a bouquet of daisies. Toss the
into you vat, and as he goes to fetch them, trip the
Frankenstein Monster with a transparent
wire in front of the rim of the vat! No mo' monsto!
to Kill Zombies
||There are two
kinds of zombies: Voodoo zombies, which
are actually entranced LIVE people who follow hypnotic commands, and
virus zombies, which are animated corpses trying to fend off their
inevitable decay by ingesting the flesh of live humans.(So far, there's
no reason to believe that eating flesh will actually stop them from
falling apart after a few days.)
Voodoo zombies are kind of annoying... but they usually don't roam the
countryside in packs looking for human brains, as to space-virus
zombies who are back from the dead and ready to party - again, ON HUMAN
FLESH. Thankfully, zombies are, by and large, slow moving...but they're
relentless )and surprisingly strong for decaying bodies). The easiest
way to stop a zombie is to blow its head off with a shot gun. You've
been at the fireing range practicing your aim against
so you should be a pretty dang good shot by now! Because zombies are
very social, you know that if if you see one, then you can bet that
there's at least
five more in the immediate vicintiy. Ahhh! Don't be scared! This is
where you can have a lot of fun! Use your handy flamethrower to shoot a
wide dispersal of fire, burning as many zombies as you can, and then
get some marshmallows, put them on sticks, and toast them over the
to Kill Manfish
- such as the Creature of the Black Lagoon or the grape-mouth
of party beach - can really ruin your fun in the sun. There you are
with your friends playing volleyball & bikini-dancing
kickin' surf band... and these slimy, scaly things with webbed claws
rise from the depths to ruin EVERYTHING. You can't have that!
Whenever you go to the beach - or a tropical lagoon for that matter -
along with your cooler of Smirnoff Ice, hot dogs & bottles of
sunblock, make sure you also bring a large bottle of chemical potassium.
Yes, potassium is found in bananas, and is good for muscle fatigue, but
what you really want is the kind that will put the ache on the Manfish.
As you see the Manfish emerge, toss the Potassium into the
Potassium is highly reactive with water, will explode, destroy the
oxygen, and leave hydrogen behind. The Manfish that aren't blown to
pieces in the explosion will suffocate!
Tools You Should
Have in Your
Effective against Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, Mummies (especially),
range: Starting at $59
With wooden quarrels - effective against Vampires.
with Silver quarrels - effective against werewolves.
range: Starting at $350
Silver Bullets: Lightweight
and easy to carry - effective
against Werewolves (contrary to popular belief, Vampires are no more
effected by silver than any other metal.)
range: Starting at $325
Effective against Zombies
Optional: Use silver buckshot against Werewolves (expensive).
Always keep your shotgun loaded in case of Zombie attack.
range: Starting at $290
Effective against marine monsters. Highly volatile - use with extreme
range: Starting at $6.00
Holy Water (regular tapwater blessed by a Roman Catholic
works best). Can be shot from a squirt gun.
Necklace whose pendant
is a holy item such as a crucifix or Star of David, blessed by your
priest or rabbi.
A nice set of
silverware. Great for fancy dinner parties, and just the thing in case
one of your guests is a werewolf.
Safety Goggles, for use with chemical weapons (acid, potassium).